I love that I can

Running is really just one moment after another of willing myself to keep going even after I really, really want to stop.
Most of those moments suck.
Some suck less.
Here are some of those moments.

Here’s to the moment….

… when I realize that my head has been telling me I couldn’t move another step for 10 minutes but my feet haven’t stopped moving.

… when I see someone I know and all of a sudden that extra energy I didn’t think I had moves me that much faster so I look like I am doing better than I am. (ahh, vanity….)

… when I get to the end of the run and realize I could have run a little longer.

… when someone says ‘I saw you running yesterday’.  Cause having people say that makes me ‘someone who runs’.  And how cool is that.

… when I have convinced myself that this is what I look like

instead of the snotty, jiggly, red faced, sweaty reality.

… when my favorite song comes on right on the last 400 metres and I sprint to the finish.  The moment is even better when there are people out to see how awesome I came in.  (again, wow.  Who knew I was that vain?)

… when my constant attempt to think about anything except how much longer I have left leads to me an epiphany.

Like it did this week.

I have a love/hate relationship with my scale.  I have found that I am a more balanced and less frustrated person when I weigh myself regularly.  The fluctuations over the week and the month bother me less when I take them in every day, instead of once a week.  It’s taken me a while to figure it out but I have a healthier perspective about my weight when I check it regularly.  This won’t work for everyone, but it’s what has worked for me so far.

That being said, while I was on vacation and away from my scale, constant fears that every extra bite would add back all the weight I had lost were looming in my mind.  2 weeks away was good for me.  The world didn’t end.  I didn’t gain 40 lbs in 14 days and I learned that it’s OK to take a break.

I also learned I have used the scale for one reason I should not.  To measure how hard I was going to work out that day.  A number I didn’t like usually guaranteed a run that day.  But I tended to slack off on the days I was happy with what the scale said that morning.

But one day this week, I stepped on the scale that morning and I was okay with what it said.  Sure, I haven’t reached my (new) goal yet, but it’s a good time of the month and the number was a good one.

Which brings me to my epiphany.

I went for a run anyways.

And somewhere halfway through my 7.5k run it dawned on me.

I wasn’t running just because I wanted to lose weight.  I wasn’t running because I felt like I had to in order to fit into a pair of jeans to see the numbers I wanted on the scale.

I was running because I wanted to go for a run.  Because I wanted to be able to run farther and faster.

I think this may have been a bigger victory than the 40lbs I lost and the size of jeans I fit into.


After 16 years of basing how I feel and who I am on the way my body looks, this week how I felt was based on what my body can do.  I don’t have the body shape I want.  I still judge myself next to others and I still manage to feel terrible about my love handles and sags.

But I can’t remember the last time I cared more about the distance I can run than I do about the roll over my jeans.

I have not reached my goal.  I will keep trying before I lose motivation.  But this victory is not lost on me.  And it made me willing to do something that several people have asked me for but I have not had the guts to do until now.

Post a before and after picture.

One reason I had not was because I am painfully aware that I raise a daughter that I want to feel good about the amazing way God created her without basing her worth on her body shape.  Ever.  And for that reason I try my very best to be proud of what I have accomplished without letting it define who I am.  I might not get it, but I pray every day that she does.

But let’s face it.  That’s not the main reason i never post pictures.

Why didn’t I want to?  Because I didn’t want you to see me before and judge what I looked like then.  I was still me, I was still beautiful to my hubby and loved by my kids. My value is not dependant on the size of my dress.  And mostly,  I didn’t want proof on the interweb of how out of shape I was. (I think we may have established earlier that thing about vanity…)


And I didn’t want you to look at my after and notice my flaws.  I didn’t want you to judge how far I still have to go.  I was afraid everyone would scoff and think to themselves how I still am not that imaginary ‘ideal’ weight I wish I was.

But now, I think I might be ready to say screw that.
A year ago I couldn’t run all the way through a 5k.

Now, on a good day, I can run 8k in less than 50 minutes (you know, when it’s not to hot :P)
Jiggly arms and all.
And that’s worth more than my before or after photo can ever show you.
But since you asked, I may regret this, but here it is.

Summer 2009

Summer 2011

I don’t like to run.

But I love that I can.

And I love what it’s taught me so far.

May I continue to do it for all the right reasons.

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Cortithians 10:31

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