Thursday, October 17, 2013
What I Can't Un-Know About Boys
When I called my Bamma, who was the mom of 11 children and grandmom to, well, a lot of grandchildren, to tell her she was now also a great grandmom to one little baby boy, she only had one question.
"Were there no perfectly good little girl babies at the hospital you could have brought home instead?"
It was no secret my Bamma liked to talk up her love of little girls and disdain for little boys, but at the time I didn't really get what she was saying.
The last time I had the opportunity to see my Bamma was weeks before she passed away.
She met her great grandchild for the first time, and he took his first steps like he had been saving them just for her.
She told me to trip him.
She was a smart woman, my Bamma.
I now have 2 little boys in my home, one who is 11 and one who is almost 6.
Cute, aren't they?
But I have learned this about boys that I cannot un-know.
1. They pee. On everything. It starts young, the first diaper change you aren't quite quick enough will get you wet real fast. Never change a diaper with your mouth open. And buy all the Peepee Teepee's you want. Babies move, friends. You will end up in the line of fire.
You think that's bad but...
2. Once potty training starts, it's all downhill from there.
Moms of boys, you cannot keep your reading material anywhere near the toilet. No matter how pretty the basket, it will get wet.
It's all actually because...
3. Boys are easily distracted.
Say anything interesting within their earshot while they are peeing and they WILL turn. While peeing.
For the love of all that is good and any bathmats, books, towels or carpets, don't ever distract them while they are peeing.
This also becomes a problem when they are at school. Because apparently
4. Boy's like to have contests related to pee.
I don't know how I've gone this long in my life blissfully unaware, but no one seems suprised at this but me.
I got a phone call home from Monster's teacher last week.
It went something like this:
"Today he peed on someone in the bathroom."
"He WHAT? On purpose?"
"Well, no, it was a challenge, apparently. To see if he could make it to the urinal across the room."
"Why did another child stand in the way?" (deflective parenting at it's finest)
"He didn't. They challenged him after he started peeing. So he turned during his pee and hit everything on the way to aim at the urinal. Including the little boy standing next to him."
What in the actual crap requires someone to need to know if they can pee farther than from where they are to the nearest pee receptacle?
When I texted Dh, he texted me back saying everyone in the room with him agreed that was completely normal and he didn't get the concern.
I demand a recount of people who are not in the military.
Apparently it doesn't matter what country he is in, all boys are the same.
Which leads to the final point
5. All confusion you have or insult you that you give regarding pee related issues will now be responded with
'you're just jealous you can't.'
This is what my 11 year old responded with when my daughter told him that it was gross.
Guess what, boys?
I'm on to you.
And I'm telling my friends.
If you have baby boys, move your magazines now.
Chances are their dad will stop trying to aim once the kids are potty trained because he will figure you can't tell the difference while you wash every possible angle around the toilet.
And when the principal calls you, just ask right away if the incident involves pee.
If it does, and it's at all possible, just forward that call straight to their dad.
Even if he's out of country spending nights navigating or patrolling or playing GI Joe games with his friends or whatever it is he does.
With my state of mind last week with school semester ending, papers to write and work to be done, I'm fairly certain I would have given her my one SAT phone call of the week had he been overseas, just so I could distance myself from the pee-related issues.
Because chances are when you tell their dad, he will tell you he had the same competition that morning.
So go ahead and let HIM tell the principal that.
This is not a mom problem.
I have no trouble aiming at all.