Military Community Bullying and my Bedroom Closet

This week, the bloggers in the military community are sharing posts on the bullying that happens within ourselves. I’ve written something on the subject that also focuses on my mistake tattoo and postage stamp dress, over here

You know the type.  Sometimes it’s overt, when someone treats another military spouse badly because of rank, branch, job.  How many kids they have, how they wear their hair, how they dress or where they choose to live.

They use words like “dependa” and they talk down to people they think are beneath them.  They are hurtful, judgemental, calling names, excluding from groups, popping up on social media to tear down another spouse.

Sometimes, it’s obvious.

And sometimes, it’s less so.  Sometimes it’s saying things like “I just don’t *need* that kind of support, but if you do….”  or “I’m not the *kind of person* that fits in with the ‘military wives’…“

That subtle tone that lets you know that your choices are fine, but they are better than that.  In fact, they are better than the whole community.  I admit, when I hear “I know what *those wives* are like, I just don’t want to meet any.” it stings.  As though somehow we are all the same and none of us are worth knowing.  

But as I wrote my article for this event, I found the same thing happening any time I try to write about how I think other people should change.

So instead of writing the things I think *you* should stop doing, I’m going to write the things *I* need to stop doing.  Because these are the thoughts thae could make ME the bully if I let them control my actions.

It’s a little harsh and It’s going to sting.

Mostly me.

 

1. I expect everyone to have had the same experiences as me.

Only a couple or maybe no deployments?  Don’t have to move?  Maybe when your spouse is away you get regular phone calls or Skype. Or perhaps your spouse is a trade that sees very little or no combat, can answer their cell phone at work or you’ve never been pregnant alone.  Too bad if you are just starting out and this is your first deployment, or if you have done this 20 years and this is just where your journey has brought you.

Maybe you haven’t been where I’ve been or experienced as much of the military life as I have, or as much as I think you should have and somehow, because of that, I show you less time.  As though that’s your fault.  As though it’s a contest of who’s faced the most challenges and I need you to prove yourself.

Who put me in charge of deciding someones life’s worth?  Everyone has their own path, in life and the military.  It serves no purpose for me to judge one greater than another.

Your spouse is home now.  Well isn’t that nice…for you.  You guys are together this Christmas?  Valentine’s Day?  Oh, isn’t that a darling facebook picture of your spouse and kids playing hockey together.

I don’t say these things out loud, or post them on facebook comments, of course not.  I’m just busy judging the people who DO actually write those things, with a completely straight and non-hypocritical face on, too.

A few weeks ago a spouse said to me in frustration  ‘You couldn’t understand, it’s way harder to do deployments when the kids are young.”  And I looked at her incredulous, as though I had somehow birthed these children the age they are now.

But how often do I look from inside my bubble and judge others for where they are right now, without knowing where they’ve been?

 

3. I expect everyone to cope the same ways I do.

Stressed? Go for a run.  What do you mean that doesn’t help?

Shovel your own driveway, it’s not hard.  Put the baby in the car in their car seat if you need to.  How easy is that?Put the toddler in a playpen while you mow the lawn.  Worked for me.

You don’t need to spend $5000 to go home for Christmas!  Just have Christmas with your kids and maybe some friends.  And while you’re at it, make some care packages and volunteer in the community.

Not everyone is going to find what worked for ME is what worked for THEM.  No matter how many times I say it in a super patronizingly encouraging voice.  What is infinitely more helpful is offering suggestions and then supporting someone as they find their own means of coping.  Which might not involve running or wine AT ALL, and I just need to learn to accept that.

4. I judge the ways I do well against the ways you fail.

My bedroom closet is a disaster. The clothes fall out when you open it,  things hang everywhere and I doubt all of it is clean.

But I shove everything in there and close the closet so I can cracked my bedroom door open and company looking in can think I’m the kind of person who has their #### so together I make my bed.

My house is generally tidy and mostly clean because if it’s not, my head feels messy, so I make it one of MY priorities.

I mow my own lawn and shovel my own snow.  I boost my car when it dies and I take Monster to specialists in between jobs.

Then I expect everyone else to keep it together in those areas too. And if they have a meltdown over something I am managing to do, I have so much less sympathy.

But you know what? Maybe they actually make dinners that aren’t grilled cheese or KD.  Maybe they don’t lie in bed at 2 am unable to sleep sending anxious emails.  Maybe they yell at their kids less or actually remember to buy teacher gifts and class Valentines.

Maybe they can open their bedroom closet door.

I admit,  I usually judge myself much more harshly than I judge others, using everyone’s Best Of moments against my Blooper Reel and tearing myself down most of all.

But I don’t know how many times I’ve judged another spouse for the area she needed help in without stopping to remember the ways I desperately need help myself.

So as I look for a safe military community free of bullying, I’ve taken a look in the mirror.

Sometimes change is going to have to start with me.