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I’m not sad…. and that’s ok.

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I think I’m supposed to be sad today.

I think so because facebook and Instagram and twitter tell me so.  They are filled with moms posting teary statuses about their babies, and back to school posts about longing and wishing to turn back time.

I think I’m supposed to be sad because I kissed my kids goodbye today and after 11 years, they all went off to full time school and left me here, alone.

We spent the weekend packing backpacks and making lists.  Trying to make a way to make ‘balanced nutrition breaks’ work with my eating phobic kids.  Talking about friends and teachers and bedtimes.

This morning they were up well before 7, even though they don’t leave until almost 9.  Dressed in their very best, until they decided to draw with chalk on the driveway while they waited and ended up covered in coloured dust.

I cared a little, even though my goal this year was to head for a mediocre start.

Because we all know I’m not going to keep up some super planned routine of having it all together very long.  So I decided to just ditch all the keener bullshit and start the year the way I hope to finish – “meh”.

That way the teachers are impressed when I get even the smallest things done, instead of disappointed when Monster shows up for the first time with 2 different shoes or Drama doesn’t have her lunch kit packed 3 days in a row.  And they are full of acceptance instead of frustration when Freckles forgets his entire backpack by month 2.

But I mostly spent the last few days feeling bad about my parenting.

I’ve been a mostly stay-at-home mom since Freckles came into the world 11 years ago.

I’m not very good at it.

And while I love my children unconditionally and frantically and beautifully, in that way that only a mother can while simultaneously wanting to strangle them, I’m not sad to say goodbye to that phase in life.

Babies are nice for a time.  Toddlers are cute.  Preschoolers are full of excitement.

I was blessed that I could stay home.  It wasn’t my choice, I couldn’t afford the childcare to go back to work.  But the fact that I was married to a man who was willing and able to support us these years is not something I take for granted.

But there are moms out there who make crafts and sing songs and read stories and play games.  They like it when their kids help with baking (they also bake) and when they get together with other moms they actually do it so their kids can grow socially, not just so they can have a coffee and pretend the kids aren’t there.

Those moms are sad this morning because that time is ending and their kids won’t be with them all day.

That’s awesome,  the world needs moms like that.

So I think I’m supposed to be sad.

But the thing is, I’m not that mom.

I’m the mom who barely held it together for 11 years.  Who spent more time dreaming of that moment when a planned activity or their dad coming home would mean I had time to myself. 

I love them.

I hugged and cuddled and played.

I kissed their scrapes and drove them to play dates, I introduced them to books and movies and dressed a million Polly Pockets.

But I also regularly forgot lunch (Seriously?  Why are you ALWAYS hungry?  What time is….oh….it’s 1:30….. riiiiiiight).

I snapped when all they wanted was milk and I growled when I had been asked too many times to come see the same ‘performance’ in the playroom.

And it may have taken years, and it will probably take more therapy for them, but I’ve realized something that I don’t have to feel bad about (but I do.  Especially on mornings like today).

I am a better parent when they are not around me all the time.

So I think I’m supposed to be sad today.

And I know that most of you are, and that’s cool.

But I’m just…. not.

I’m impressed to see them become great kids despite my lack of parenting skills.

I’m  happy to send them on a new adventure.

I’m proud of their excitement and their eager faces.  I’m sending them off to life, to learning not just schoolwork but social skills, problem solving, independance..

I’ll greet them with open arms this afternoon to hear all about their day, their teacher and their classmates.

I’ll feel slightly more together than normal because I will have probably accomplished something during the day without feeling guilty for banishing them to the basement during my quiz.

We’ll have dinner together like we always do and I’ll be able to hear them because I won’t have already tuned the sound of their whining out for the day by then.

So I’m not sad, really.

If anything, I’m trying not to be sad that I’m not *that* mom that’s sad.(Because if there’s one thing most women are awesome at, it’s being sad for something like not being sad.)

Instead, I’m the mom enjoying my half sweet soy pumpkin spice latte studying at Starbucks, and lunch date with their dad before hitting the books this afternoon to start my Philosophy paper.

The preschool years were fun (most of the time, at least what I haven’t blocked out) but they weren’t my time to shine.

I’m hoping I’ll find that time sometime this year.

And my kids, they’ll remember more these years anyways….. right?  


What about you?  Do you feel like you have a ‘favorite age’ for parenting? (This does not mean you love them more at certain times, only that you feel less like a runaway train while parenting.)
Speak now or I assume I’m the only not-sad mom in the room.

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reccewife

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10 COMMENTS

  1. Liz Beck | 3rd Sep 13

    The fact that you have such good, well-grounded kids reflects the parenting you and Dh have done! You are human and, believe me, many moms were glad to see school start again, not sad.

  2. Anita | 3rd Sep 13

    It's like you are inside my head this morning! As much as I have enjoyed being home with Graeme for the last month I am enjoy MY day today. No interruption when trying to get a run in on the treadmill ("Mum, can I eat marshmallows for breakfast? Mum, can I turn on the Wii? Mum, can I … ").

    With the two Big's off on their own now I'm hard pressed to say what my favorite age for parenting is … I love that the Big's are out in the wide world making their mark but miss them, I love being able to enjoy Graeme and our silly conversations. I love being able to take time for me, something I wasn't able to do while working. However there are the small moments when I miss snuggling with those babies and smelling the tops of their heads. I am thankful those moments pass quickly.

  3. Andrea Ward | 3rd Sep 13

    Totally unrelated to your post – if you need/want someone to read over your papers, I like reading papers and stuff because I'm a geek. So I'm here for that if you need me.

    And I was pretty excited for Ben to start preschool. His teachers are smarter than me about what he needs to 'be prepared' for school, so I'm glad they like to teach him those things.

  4. Kelly | 3rd Sep 13

    I was the same as you Kim! I was not sad to see the last of the school years end. I was excited for my boys with their whole life ahead of them, and my stress was reduced 10-fold!

    The best years of parenting are still to come. My boys are 25 and 23, and while it's hard to watch them make mistakes, it amazing to watch them pick themselves up and learn from the experience. I keep looking at them thinking…"wow! They really did listen to me!" (most of the time anyways.)

    These are my best years of parenting…

  5. Amy Kastelic | 3rd Sep 13

    My girl crush on you tripled after reading this post (hopefully you find that flattering and not weird lol). I am so excited to send my oldest to preschool THREE times a week, THREE hours a day, I can barely contain it. I love him to distraction but I think the time away will only make me a better mom to him. Because they don't call it the F*cking Fours for nothing…

  6. Holly www.hlewy.blogspot.com | 4th Sep 13

    Wow. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your attitude. I really do! I'm not a mom yet but I believe this is the kind of mom I will be and that is fine because that is the kind of mom I WANT to be!! You sound like a great mom!

  7. Sandra | 4th Sep 13

    Well….I personally think you're the "normal" mom. I have felt everything you feel. I have one graduated this year and I CAN'T wait till he leaves the nest for good.And iI don't feel bad about that feeling at all. It just means that I trust that I did my job as a parent which is to foster independence and to find my own self worth in something that isn't about my kids. So bravo for you! You my Darling have figured out what most never do.

  8. theplacesyouwillgo | 4th Sep 13

    I was the mom who did crafts and had the kid help in the kitchen until I had a second (and older kid turned 3.) Now my goal for the day is to keep everyone alive. I am trying to find a preschool for my 3 year old because we both need her to go. She needs social interaction and I need my sanity back.

  9. Melissa Gilliam Shaw | 5th Sep 13

    We're only just now pregnant with our first, and I already anticipate that I'll be more like you've just described yourself than like the moms I know who dreamed of staying home and raising their little ones. Thanks for being honest about what it's like to send them all off to school — I wish more moms were honest about motherhood. Something tells me that the Supermoms are probably the ones with the megaphones, and the rest of us are the ones in the background, kinda "meh" about the whole thing. 🙂

  10. Trista Laborn | 5th Sep 13

    My favorite age is infant to 1yrs, and I'm not sad about my kids starting school, my kids couldn't wait to go to school, they were looking forward to it!

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