How being a dependent taught me to be independent

When I got engaged, I was 18 years old. I lived with my parents and I was in my first year of college.  My fiance and I already shared a bank account and the tiny wage he received as a new recruit in the Canadian Forces was deposited there.  I used it to pay my parents for the outrageous phone bill we racked up with collect calls in a world before cell phones.

A year later I was married and I went from being my parent’s dependent to being my husband’s.

The internet is full of articles that tell me why I should be more than a ‘dependent’.  Why being a dependent is bad, disenfranchising and demeaning.  I am told that I should be more, that I AM more.  And I am.  I’m a wife.  I’m a parent, and a special needs parent.  A friend.  An advocate. I’m a writer.  An employee.  A student.

But I’m also a soldier’s dependent.  This week, that soldier marks 16 years in the military.  Back when the phrase “if the army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one” was far more common, and our community was much quieter.  Now we have a voice, but the sentiment is the same.  ‘Dependent’ is a bad word, used as an insult or a joke.

But I feel maybe that’s because we don’t consider what being a dependent means.

Being his ‘dependent’ has taught me more about independence than I could have possibly learned on my own.

1. Being a dependent has meant that I moved away from my family and friends as soon as I got married.  There was no ‘down the street to mom’s house,’ no going home to do my laundry.  As soon as I was married I moved 4 hours away.  And that’s the closest I’ve ever lived to them.
2. Being a dependent has meant that I’ve navigated pregnancy alone.  With only wonderful nurses to keep me company nights in the hospital and no one to buy me snacks at 1am but myself. I can get up and get my own pickles and ice cream, thanks.
3. Being a dependent has meant I’ve sold 2 houses and bought one on my own.  I might have had a ‘paper husband’ Power of Attorney, but I can prep, paint, list and sell a house by myself.  I can interview realtors, negotiate with buyers and sellers, I can arrange inspections and I have sent text messages that said ‘I bought a house today.’
4. Being a dependent means I’ve traveled.  Far outside my comfort zone.  I’ve driven on my own with 3 kids in downtown Manhattan. And Boston and Albany and Ottawa and Toronto. I’ve slept in airports alone overnight.  I’ve flown by myself to and from Bangkok.
5. Being a dependent means I’ve walked into churches, coffee groups, meetings rooms on my own when I’ve known no one in a new city,  I’ve made friends and got jobs.  And then done it again.
6. Being a dependent means I handle all the finances for a family of 5.  He’s not home enough to be in charge of bills or bank accounts.  I bet he couldn’t even tell you how much our mortgage is.  I actually have a book for him in case something happens to me, showing how the finances work.
7. Being a dependent means I can handle an emergency like a boss.  Broken bones? Flooded basement? I got this.
8. Being a dependent means I can mow my own lawn. Shovel my own snow. Even when pregnant.  I can change my own tire (but, you know, I don’t) and boost my car if it dies. I’ve repaired keypads and furnaces, fridges and dishwashers and toilets.  And if I can’t do it myself, I can find how to get it done.

Sure, I have only sometimes had jobs and he’s always been our financial provider and his job the means to our benefits.  And when we move, the kids and I are right up there with the F&E.  I’m ‘just another army wife,’ supported by my husband.

We are partners, he and I. And it’s always nice when he is here, and we share responsibilities.  But that’s only a little more than half the time, really.

 One thing I didn’t anticipate was how much being a dependent would teach me to be independent.

Because on top of all this, when my kids were sad Dad wasn’t home for Christmas?

I drove them across the border to Manhattan on my own.

So no matter what people think of when they think of being a ‘dependent,’ to me it will always be a positive piece of who I am.

I am a soldier’s dependent.

And I can drive to New York City by myself.  

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